SKETCHBOOK: Psycho Titties

FWACATA Sketchbook 211I remember in college there was a girl, (isn’t that always the story?)  and she was kind of cool and all that, but supposedly in a relationship she was a FUCKING PSYCHO. Like burn the house down with you in it kind of psycho, okay? This isn’t just texting every 10 minutes psycho-lite, now with less calories, but the big bold taste of fucking CRAZY DADDY ISSUES that wreaks havoc wherever she goes.

It was odd, because she was really nice when you knew her and cool, but you talked to any of her ex’s and they had this look on their face like they were veterans from some war, the first 10 second of ONE by Metallica would be playing when they started talking about her. I would shake my head, even thinking that maybe we were talking about the wrong person. She couldn’t she seemed so nice.

Now we nick-named her psycho-titties because the other attribute about her, true and through, was that she had a nice body and a pretty face, but she had, well, you guessed it, AMAZING TITS. Like Amazing.  Like sculpted. Like this is what other women pay crazy money to get done to them, and men pay crazy money just to look at or touch.  Unfortunately they were attached to a nut job, supposedly. For a while I dismissed it, and thought that it was just some bullshit people say after a break up and yadda-yadda-yadda.

Until...

One day, we gathered at a bar to play pool, it was a night I didn’t have to work so I could just hang out. I went out of my way to get rid of my studies and whatever freelance I had to clear my schedule, and go play some pool, hang out relax. At the time, I was already dating somebody and so me and Psycho-tits were completely platonic and chill, drinking beer and talking shit that night, other people coming in and out of the game to talk shit with us. In that, a current interest of hers came in, some dude will call Strokeface. Why? because he had this Strokeface like he just finished having stroke until he spoke. The guy was alright, but he such a Bro-dawg type guy it was hard to take him seriously.

So Strokeface came in and he was with this chick, she was pretty non-descript I have to say, she seemed nice, but barely said anything and when she did, it was like lines from current tv shows or some shit, like a Junkion from Transformers. So yeah, she had the personality of a bird shit. That what we’ll call her, Birdshit.

Anyway, Psycho Titties was getting all…well psycho at this development. At first, she played it off said hi, and Strokeface seemed even apprehensive about seeing her. Of course, I was like a National Geographic documentarian by then, hanging back, watching the animal drama unfold. By then other friends had shown up, and using them as camouflage and physical buffer to the madness.

It didn’t take long, I saw Psycho-titties go from fun loving girl who made French toast for her drunken friends at 4 in the morning and worked at the homeless shelter, to full on PSYCHO crying screaming blaming monster, made of tears and accusations.  The fact Alcohol was present did not help. it soon became a stage play for the whole bar, unraveling in front of us with tears and accusations. Now for a second, I thought that if this was performance art, then they would warrant a genius grant, because we were all enthralled with Jerry Springer-ish Flash mob deal going down in front of us

And then came the slap.

Psycho-titties slapped Strokeface so hard, his head shaked like a bobble head, his eyes were curled, almost about to cry, when embarassement and rage sort of came in. Then Birdshit decided to step up, meekly standing by the whole time, sort of embarrased herself and threw a drink at Psycho-Titties face. FUUUUUUCK

Thats when Psycho-titties jumped over and just took Birdshit down like a panther pouncing on a lamb. After that, a roar came out of the crowd, a mix of OOOOOOOOH! and WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! as it all came tumbling apart.

Thats when I got the fuck out there. I met up with some friends,  told them about it, and hilariously they already heard other reports on the street about it. We heard cops had to come, that some other people got beat up and there was BLOOOOOOD. I just shook my head and said fuck it.

We didn’t see Psycho-titties for a long while after that. Heard she had some sort of break down or something and moved back home. Strokeface, I would see him here and there, but mostly I acted like I didn’t know him, since our one real shared event is him getting slapped like a ho on the corner. Funny enough, years later I saw Birdshit, and she meekly said hi, this time she knew a friend of a friend who was having Birthday at club. I decided not to mention that night to her, but she half heartedly joked about it and when I felt that energy present for a second, me hice el loco and got the fuck out, talking to another friend and bartender there. I wasn’t having it.

So yeah this sketch isn’t exactly of Psycho-titties, it was something that came to mind once I drew it that night. I was really young then and resolved never to hang with such shitty barfly people anymore. It was something to see though, that how HULK-like people can be with relationships, and how in the pursuit of trying not die alone, we can become these…things that should not be. So be careful out there, children, there be monsters.

 

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