originally posted on Instagram: https://ift.tt/2l1h6yh

“I should’ve died in my 20s. I became successful in my 40s. I became a dad in my 50s. I feel like I’ve stolen a car –a really nice car– and I keep looking in the rearview mirror for flashing lights. But there’s been nothing yet.”

Woke up to the whole @anthonybourdain things and I’m sad and pissed about it at the same time, especially at him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to go after him I’m pissed because if we were to think that he had exemplary life that many would die to lead, and he ends it, what does that say?
Now I’m not trying to be trite, or belittle this Death in a way, but how selfish is it to take your life when you have so much? When you are leaving a daughter behind? A wife? A life?
This is not to rebuke Bourdain, really it isn’t. If he did, he had his reasons and best Fucking believe he knew them considering his thoughtful nature. And like many like Robin Williams who was suspected just had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s, sometimes you see that train coming and say FUCK IT and go headlong. Who knows?
I’m not here to give an answer, but I have a somewhat history of being rather hateful of suicide. I try to respect and this is more about understanding, but losing the man this way makes me really fucking wonder at times.
And maybe that’s all I can do is present the question then?

I’m never going to h e an answer that satisfies me, and I don’t I’d seek it. It’s personal choice and I’m going to respect it and you may hear about subject from ever again not could for million reasons but in the end it’s is a selfish choice. Plain and simple.

That being said it also scares me; if a person like Bourdain who I could truthfully point to and say “that’s where I want to be” and he’s the one who pulls the pin on his life, then what Fucking Janice do I have? I have looked at the darkness and contemplated oblivion but always something pulls me back. But to get to where he was, and then to do it? Chills me. No man is invulnerable of this.

Either way, I still love Anthony and his work, he will be seen in the same light as Hunter S. Thompson and/or Kurt Vonnegut for times to comes. He helped make the world closer and brighter and enlightened on the beautiful commonality of man by being himself which no one will be for a long tome. I will miss him.
See you later, chef